She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
