I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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