Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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