i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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