im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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