On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
