eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
