i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
