There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
