Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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