I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
