I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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