From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
wow bdsm is so cute
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
