Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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