seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
