i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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