if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize