goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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