im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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