you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize