once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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