My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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