all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
