i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
