So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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