its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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