Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
