I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
