if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
