Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
