My room smells like vodka and shame
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
