I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
