fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No I am not eating basil off your cock
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
