neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
