Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
