Who wears a wallet chain?!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize