You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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