Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
