That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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