Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
