I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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