Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
being pregnant is like rehab
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
