My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
