I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
