I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
