i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
