I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
