we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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