So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
