there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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