I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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