The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
