your thong is hanging out like whoa
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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