Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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