if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
