As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
