Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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