Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
