The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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