You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
